Scooby Doo 3: Shaggy joins PETA
by StupidSequel
Summary: Shaggy's strong hatred for chipotle steak burgers causes him to join PETA. A strange, impossible chain of events leads to an even more impossible situation involving the near end of the world.


**Scooby Doo 3: Shaggy joins PETA**

**This is a sequel to the live action Scooby Doo movies**

Shaggy felt like his parents were training him for hell by serving something other than sandwich skyscrapers for dinner. Tonight was a(n) (un)welcome change that finally came at last: chipotle steak burgers.

"LIKE, I'D RATHER EAT ELEPHANT SHIT THAN THIS HEART ATTACK ON A BUN!" Shaggy yelled.

"And the tower sandwiches with 7 lbs of arterie clogging meat in them aren't?" his mom, Tialuna pointed out. "If you can face monsters who committed crimes, surely you're strong enough to stomach the steak burger." She had changed her name because she knew the author wouldn't feel like looking it up. Shaggy took a bite and puked enough to flood the house.

"Like, here, Scooby, eat this! I don't want it anymore. I HATE THIS DEMON SAMMICH FROM HELL!" Scooby looked at him like he was an idiot.

"Ruh ruh! I saw what happened when you bit into it! I'd sooner divide by zero, and I suck at math." Shaggy had an idea. "I didn't puke. It was all in your head. You can't keep your head in reality because you're nervous about death."

Scooby was still adamant about not finishing the sandwich for him and threw him a confused look. He must have been thinking about the last few words Shaggy had said. "Dude, c'mon! I'm your friend. Friends should honor one another," Shaggy said despairingly.

"Honor me by not trying to shove that burger down my throat!" Scooby said sternly. Shaggy had an idea. He threw Scooby at his parents to create a diversion, and then he dropped his burger in the puke flood and drank a whole bottle of Pepsi Blue to make himself burp.

"I'm all done with my burger!" he declared. His parents believed him and they excused him. Shaggy couldn't sleep that night because beef exists. He didn't go to sleep until noon and didn't wake up till 10 AM. Those two times were both on the same day. He had a bacon flavored PopTart for breakfast and went to get a PETA membership application. "As long as people kill cows for meat, then I'll be faced with the possibility of eating that DEMON SAMMICH FROM HELL in the future! I can't let that happen!" he ranted while chewing on a piece of beef jerky. He filled out his application and they gratefully accepted him while he was finishing his jerky.

He and Scooby strolled into a quadrangle to meet Velma, Daphne, and Fred. "We have another mystery to solve." Fred spoke. "IT CANNOT WAIT! GO IN THE MYSTERY MACHINE NOW OR LOSE YOUR PEN-"

"FRED! THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE! BE MORE MATURE!" Daphne interrupted.

"I don't understand. I was gonna say 'pencil.'" Fred declared. A pencil had appeared in Shaggy's hand out of thin air. They all got in the Mystery Machine and Daphne drove. "Velma is trying to figure out this super tough Sudoku puzzle. We must all put our sleuthing skills to the test. She lost her pencil. That is why one appeared in your hand just now." Shaggy didn't feel like thinking for her, so he flipped to the solutions page, took a photo of the offending puzzle, and showed it to Velma. Fred took off his shirt to reveal fine muscular abs.

"If you're so smart, surely you won't be so muscular!" Fred snarled. Shaggy took off his shirt. He had a slight sine wave belly, but no six pack. Velma measured it and did some calculations on paper.

"His belly can be expressed as the function y equals one fourth the sine of x, so Shaggy has the sexier abs even though he has just a one pack," she declared. "I should know because I am barely passing math but not failing. I am also majoring in it."

"I stand corrected," Fred admitted, apparently oblivious to the fact that the decision seemed biased because of her interest in math. Everyone, even Fred, agreed that Shaggy had the sexier abs of the two. They all celebrated their Sudoku victory by going to the Florida Crispy Chicken (FCC for short) drive-thru. Velma, Daphne, and Fred all ordered a basket of crispy chicken fingers. Shaggy asked the workers if there's anything vegetarian.

"Nope, sorry. Everything here contains some kind of meat. Even the macaroni, the oatmeal, and yes, even our soft drinks." Shaggy narrowed his eyes. He noticed a particular menu item that contradicted with what the order taker said.

"I'll have a veggie burger, nothing else. Oh, and I'll also have some free water."

"Our free water contains meat. Still want it?"

"NO! Just the burger alone, ten cue vary mush!"

When everyone got their orders, Shaggy noticed something odd about his burger. It tasted oddly like actual beef. He promptly spitted it out and stormed into the restaurant."LIKE, I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A VEGGIE BURGER! ARE YOU DIPSHITS TRYING TO MAKE A MOCKERY OUT OF PETA?"

"Like we said, all our food contains meat, even the veggie burgers. If you have a problem with it, get rid of every protein molecule in the world." The employee said that last part jokingly. Shaggy made Scooby bite the employee and left angrily.

"Like, I will NEVER eat protein ever again! I swear to Bob!" Shaggy vowed.

"So you worship the guy on that one spam comment?" Scooby teased.

Shaggy completely ignored him, unsure of whether or not he was being serious. "Let's get the heck out of here and drive to..." the roulette wheel in Shaggy's mind chose Australia. The Mystery Machine headed across the ocean bridge to Australia. "Too hot and boring! The heat is making my love-sickness feel more intense. I've never felt so lovesick." Shaggy complained. He got out an onion ring and turned to Scooby. "Scooby. Will you marry me?" Scooby accepted the proposal. They stopped at a truck stop and eloped immediately after, while in the truck stop bathroom and then drove to the Grand Canyon for their honeymoon.

"EVERYONE WHO ISN'T SHAGGY, OUT NOW!" Shaggy demanded. The other three friends and Scooby left the van, grumbling profanities that would make a sailor seem like a saint. He drove the Mystery Machine to the edge of the canyon, got out, and pushed it over. It landed to the bottom a few seconds later in a fiery explosion. "See you in hell, you gas guzzling SUV! From now on, my friends will be driving a hybrid Mystery Machine, I'll make certain of that. Too many animals are dying from global warming and that makes it more likely that I may come across a chipotle steak burger!" His friends stared at him in horror.

"YOU JERKASS! You weren't really in love with Scooby, were you? It was a trick to force your PETA views down our throats!" Daphne screamed. Shaggy thought to himself, _if I could get rid of every protein molecule in the world, then that would shut these bimbos and jock up for good. No more meat equals a healthy ecosystem. Thank you, FCC worker for your wise words, if I can somehow make it a reality. _Even though the employee at FCC was joking, that didn't matter to him.

"It was a trick, yes, but who cares? It's for the good of all of Earth's wildlife." Shaggy commented. All he could think about was how much he needed to get rid of all the world's protein molecules somehow someway. In desperation, he rode on Scooby's back to Washington D.C. and went to the White House. "Perhaps I can use authority figures to help me prove how wrong humanity is." he muttered. He marched into the president's office.

"Can I help you? You seem pretty down to me." President Toby Grunt greeted.

"I have scientific proof that protein is bad for the environment." Shaggy said. "Yesterday I found out that my girlfriend was deathly allergic to broccoli and soy. We rushed her to the emergency room. She was virtually unresponsive. She was clearly suffering and we couldn't let her live like this, so we had her euthanized," Shaggy said with tears he turned on like a faucet, with a tiny hint of laughter that the president didn't appear to notice."Turns out she wasn't allergic. Her body was being filled with viruses. Let me elaborate: the world's deadly viruses have a coating of protein. So any time you eat food with protein, it's a ticking time bomb. Why didn't the HIV virus appear until recently? It must have been formed when some sick, carefree asshole must have eaten a protein rich food, which must have wrapped around one of the germs to form the virus. Here, I have proof that can happen." He showed the president a YouTube video of a germ picking up protein from a carrot and turning into a flu virus (it was a cleverly realistic looking animation). "That is happening all the time and calculations show that a pound of beef can produce 1,665 viruses in 2 weeks. Therefore, to keep the health of the population in check, we must ban all proteins. Do you approve this message?"

"To tell you the truth, I think that is a BIG FAT LOAD OF BULLSHIT!" the president replied. Shaggy's muscles tensed. "APRIL FOOLS! I'll call the SWAT team right away. For the health of the world! From now on, any kind of protein will be banned! This ban is in effect since 26 minutes ago!" A janitor near the office entrance spat out his burrito.

Shaggy and Scooby left the building. All around them, SWAT team members were collecting protein molecules from various sources and putting them in bags and loading them on a NASA space shuttle located just outside the White House. Shaggy stared at it in awe and then decided to ride Scooby back home, wherever the hell that is. Everywhere he looked, SWAT team members were all around, fulfilling their duty. When he turned on the news that night, there was footage of the SWAT team putting all the bags of protein molecules (too many bags to count) into a ginormous container on the NASA space shuttle and the shuttle was then cleared for takeoff.

The following night they announced on the news that the shuttle crashed into the sun, destroying every protein molecule in the world. Now the population is safe from any sort of disease, the news report went. Shaggy yowled in triumph now that no one can ever eat meat again. His duty as a PETA member was fulfilled at last. He gave a silent thank-you prayer to Bob. Life for everyone continued normally for a while, and by a while, I mean only four hours after all the protein was annihilated. Species were dying off exponentially in an environmental crisis tons worse than global warming ever could be. A TIME magazine article stated that in this crisis, there is nothing anyone can do to prevent the end of the world and that from the looks of it, December 21, 2012 won't even happen. According to them, all life on Earth would perish within 16 days. Shaggy felt a pang of regret over having joined PETA and desperately searched for a way to set everything right in the little time he had left to live. All around him, animals were dying because of an inadequate food supply and malfunctioning body systems because both things call for protein. Shaggy felt a bit weak himself.

He decided to make the most of his short time on Earth by breaking his brain with some college textbooks in the bookstore at Cinderstar High-school University. While reading an organic chemistry book, he came across a diagram of a protein molecule and in one of the advanced physics textbooks, he came across several formulas about mass, size, and electromagnetism. After endless calculations, he had an epiphany. "Like, by jove, I've got it!" He paced into a nuclear physics lab in the natural sciences building and got to work on building a shrink machine, grabbed a roll of duct tape, a winch, and took a long look at the periodic table until he memorized it. After he completed his shrink ray, he reviewed the needed info in his head one more time about what all the different types protein molecules consist of.

Holding both the winch and the roll of duct tape, he shrunk himself to molecular level size. _If there are no more protein molecules on Earth, I've got to hunt down the components and construct them myself. _He hunted down a hydrogen atom and duct taped it to a carbon atom with 700 layers to overcome the strong nuclear forces. He did the same thing to the nitrogen atom with the carbon, which was at the center. I will spare you all the mercilessly boring and repetitive details of duct taping atoms together to form molecules. I would not be able to do it within my lifetime and this computer would not have enough memory. Eventually he formed a number of duct taped molecules equal to the total number that should exist on the planet and have existed before this apocalyptic scenario. What did he need the winch for? A few times he couldn't find a particular atom he needed, and there were excess atoms with fewer protons than his "target atom" and an atom with a lot more than needed, so he used the winch to rip protons off of the bigger atom and duct taped them onto the atom with less. That has happened with nitrogen as his target, so he winched three protons off of an aluminum atom and duct taped them onto a beryllium atom, turning beryllium into nitrogen and aluminum into neon. I will spare you the boring, repetitive details of the many more examples of this. He did all this in a two week time span because his anxiety about the end of the world and motivation to keep life going sent him in an alert state of mind, so much that he worked that fast. In real life, just counting to 6.022x10^23 would take billions of years, and there are a lot more protein molecules than that on Earth. He had become the most productive worker in the entire universe, especially for someone who was physically weakened by lack of protein.

Now that all of Earth's protein supplies are restored, life can continue to exist. Shaggy unshrunk himself and drooled at the sight of how much better Earth's wildlife was doing since after the SWAT team's assignment. He jogged out of the University and met his friends chatting near a unicorn across the train tracks. "Like, from this moment on, I am no longer a vegetarian or part of PETA. I have caused too much damage to the environment, and it all started with that chipotle steak burger." He took Scooby to an abandoned cottage, chopped him up with an ax, and cooked him in a barbecue pit to celebrate his heroic task of duct taping atoms together. His four friends all enjoyed the sweet taste of Scooby meat. The space shuttle's ghost hovered nearby.

"You just had to recreate the Earth's protein, didn't you? I almost succeeded, and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids," said the space shuttle's ghost.

"I'm glad to be eating meat that's not part of those abominable chipotle steak burgers!" Shaggy said with triumph.

"We may be eating our old canine friend but who cares? I couldn't understand a damn thing he said," Velma stated.

"Amen," Fred chimed in. For dinner they went to Burger King and Shaggy ate 35 Whoppers in one sitting. He did this everyday and even after six years of doing this he still was as thin and fit as he ever was. The moral of this story is, any problem can be solved with duct tape.


End file.
